Meltdown

Feeling very depressed today.Seem like everyone is dragging their feet.Doctors ,lawyers , angencies etc.who keep telling me to be patient. Well my patience is running so thin that I feel sick to my stomach.Yeah I have stage 1renal cell cancer of the kidney and it is not routine to do a full body cancer CT enhanced scan over my entire body.I do not mind them doing it but my gut feeling tells me(from what i read)there is concern about my whole renal system.i am not paranoid ,i actually and read this and my doctors were very vague talking to me  and said there are a couple of new players involved.Hopefully all will work out,medically and financially.What do I have to be crazy or lazy to get the money I worked for 36years.Hell may'be even dead before I get it.I appologize to family and friends,Im just having a little meltdown.LOVE YOU ALL

Starting to Understand

Well it has been a couple of days now am and I am starting to feel overwhelmed,See jt is not in my hands anymore ,which anybody who nows me I like to control destiny.I am not patient however I hope God is patient with me.I do know he will do right by me in his time, however sometimes it is not fast enough for me.Some how I will learn through his love and patience I will learn from him ,not because I have to but because I want to.He's given me my wonderful family and friends who truly love me and that is not because of who I am but because who he is. He will heal me so I can move on to do what he has planned for me.Talk to you later.

Biopsy Day

Well I had a biopsy on Wednesday.I had what it appears as the doctors called it a couple of new players showed up on the CT scan. He assured me they can be taken care with though I really do not know what he meant by new players and was pretty buzzed to fully understand but I will find out Friday from the main man(Dr. Daiber) and he will also see if my enlarged prostate is better. Yes I am scared but the doctor yesterday said we can fix all. I hope he is right.See you all in my next blog

Uplifting Phone Call

Today, Mickey from Vickies Walk called me to touch base with me on speaker phone to talk with the commitee. I really am still so amazed that these people I haven't even met care the way they do. Not only are they helping financially, but they are having an impact on me spiritually as well. They are truly a gift from above. They reassured me they are in this for the long haul. Thank you, Mickey and most of all thank you God for letting me let people help us. There was a time I would push people away(still do at times)but now I am learning there are alot of good people in this world. It is a learning process but I am a believer more than I am a skeptic.

Same ol,shit,Different Day(patience)

Feeling good for a damp and dreary Monday.Since the doc gave me pills for my depression I have noticed they seem to be working. The only thing wrong is the waiting game. Waiting for my S.S.D. appeal hearing, waiting for my oncology visit, waiting for my urology visit to see if my enlarged prostate has disappeared(kinda worried about that one),and finally my lung dr.visit because he will probably order a C.T. scan to see if my half inch spot on my lung has grown to the point that they will biopsy it.Other than all of that only my back is left but even though I have 4 buldging discs and it hurts ,that is the least of my worries. However everything goes I just have to be patient(anyone who knows me knows patience isn't one of my strong suits) and trust in God and my ever growing team of doctors. My wife and kids make it easier having their support. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement and please keep on reading my blogs and also follow my wife through her own struggling journey.

God moved me

Today was a good a good day.We ,mostly momma worked hard in the yard.I cut 80% of the yard , and she cut the rest.I was exhausted. It sucks being sick and worn down,however I try and will continue to fight.Our yard is starting to look great.It takes time but worth it. Just the little things in life are starting to make me see how precious life truly is .I at 51 years of age am starting to realize life is great. You need money in life ,but it by far isn't everything.I have 6 kids I love so very much,yeah I am estranged from 1 of them , but I know God someday will allow us to make ammends to reach an understanding to communicate and possibly reach a father -daughter love for each other that we should have .And Jen if you ever read this I truly Love you and would love for you to forgive me.However if not,I am proud of what you have done with your life and you are in my heart forever,no matter what.Anyway I will continue to fight my cancer and my other medical conditions with vigor and courage. I am not a quitter and I will beat this because I have a support group that believes in me,but most of all I believe in myself and I know there is a GOD that loves me no matter of my past. I will not beat myself no longer,I've done that most of my life.I have learned to love and forgive me even if my outcome doesn't work out like I would like it to .I WILL WIN ,I have the lord who said I will  because he told me I will no matter what anybody thinks or says about me because I have grown up and I know who really runs the show and it is not me.Peace and please believe.

Feeling Better Slowly But Surely

Well it has been a while since I last blogged but I guess I kinda been out of it in self pity,wondering where God was,isolating in my room feeling depressed. I' ll be honest, when I found out about  cancer I got really scared and started to feel useless. My wife and kids were out doing yardwork while I just sit there watching. Needless to say it hurts. With my COPD certain days outside are just too hard for me to breathe. Bills piling up,depression(which I now take meds for) which seem to be working with aniexty also.Then my power steering went ,got behind on rent...ugggggg !Then by truly a miracle a group called Vickies Angel Walk came into my life.The man in charge named Mickey started a non-profit organization to help cancer patients with finanicial problems to stay above water.This organization is going to help us with rent every month until the gov't gets off their ass and grant me my S.S.D..Also they are fixing my car......that is mindblowing to us. True I don't like asking for help in anyway, shape or form but you can not say no to Gods wishes.That is exactly what this is ,a gift from above,there is no other explanation.Vickies will be having a cancer walk in October and I hope some of my family and friends will join in. It's a fundraiser to raise funds to help families in need. Let's face it,nobody is immune to cancer,I found out the hard way and it hurts your mind, body and soul.I think I am finally coming to terms with this slowly but surely.It takes time don't let anybody bullshit you about this.So please walk with us in October, whether you are a survivor, family of a survivor, friend or just care about cancer,because everybody in my opinion care about the #1 killer of our generation. Next I want to thank my awesome wife for being there(no matter how much of an ass I can be),my kids for making me laugh when I need it, my son for keeping my competitive juices going and my new neighbors Fred and Kristie for helping us while we are without a car til next week.Well thats all for now talk to you all soon. Also Patti don't worry I'll call you soon. Peace.