I feel bad I haven't blogged in a while... But, when I go through my scaredness and depression I make bad decisions. I haven't yet quit smoking.  I know I have to man up and do it.  But, my bad things I think about I want people to know that I truly do care about myself.  At times it may not seem like I don't but I do.  I care about my kids.  I want to be a winner.  I want to shed my problems.  It seems like lately financially it's one step forward and three steps back.  I had to ask an agency to help with the rent, that went well.. We were blessed by this agency.  Then my car the power steering pump went and now it's going to cost us from $300-$600 for labor and parts to fix.  Which we don't have the money to fix it and I have to travel for doctor appointments and one of those appointments if for a biopsy of my kidney.  This makes me depressed, upset and some days I don't even want to get out of bed.  Deep down inside I know everything will be ok.  But, I have a hard time believing it when it seems like it's one bad thing after another that happens.  I know I've done a lot of bad things in my life.  But, how long must I pay for it?  I need to get this biopsy done A.S.A.P!  The longer I have to wait obviously the worst my kidney gets.  At this point I'm at a loss and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  Hopefully tomorrow Jesus will perform yet another miracle for us.  Because before I believed it he has helped.  I don't have the resources to travel up to 2 hours away from home just for doctor appointments.  My wife and kids have been stressed.  So I'm hoping sometime this week to get some money or something to get my car fixed for my appointments and for the co pays on my medications.  I am also hoping and praying that I get my appeal date very soon for social security.  It seems like no one is there when you need them.

Finally Some Hope

Well today I have gotten some good news. My blood tests were showing that my cancer is confined to just my right kidney. The mass is about 3/4 of an inch big.They are going to in the next couple of weeks to biopsy the mass and decide how much kidney they are going to remove. My urine test came back with a trace of blood in it but not to be alarmed about it.To me this is great news that all my medical issues are all caught early or stage 1. I am more fortunate than people like my mom because technology and doctors are more knowledgeable. Things go slower now days because of insurance, however the tortoise always beats the hare. Don't get me wrong I am still scared and I sill have a few serious medical issues to fight but as I said before I WILL WIN with the help of good doctors, my wonderful and beautiful wife(who won't let me even mention giving up) my great daughters and awesome son and most of all GOD who has changed my thought process on everything including that he has something in store for me.If he didn't he would just let me be.  I think he has delivered a message to me which I will share when the issues I have, become manageable and for me to follow through  with all the knowledge he has given me to share with others.

The Waiting Game(again as usual)

Well I guess with the holidays and all the waiting goes on.In all honesty just getting sick of being sick. I am tired of waiting for SSD to start up(even get my appeal hearing). Would just rather say the hell with everything and go back to working. Bills piling up, heck my settlement is going to all go to catch us up, which is fine however it doesn't help now.I guess patience(I do not know how much I have left) and praying is all I have. Just wish it would all go away and be normal again.

Well it has been 2 days now since I found out I most probably have cancer.Right now it's only an experts opinion viewing the scan,however he has seen thousands of scans and went on to tell us the findings are so. I would hope he is not that unprofessional to say such things out of turn. Anyway I am on day 2 of not smoking and so far so good, not many cravings,but I am sure some days are better than others. To those people reading and following along did you know that smoking is the #1 reason for kidney and bladder cancer ? I have to admit I'm numb and stunned about the findings.You would think I would not be but I am.Like I said I am not going to be stubborn and I am going to follow instructions. It is a matter of life and death.......

Either Way

Well here I am @6:48 am getting mentally prepared to go to my appointment. Today, hopefully I will get some answers. Either way it turns out, I will be ready for the next step. I will not be stubborn. I will comply with the doctors findings. Either way, I will have a new beginning. I WILL WIN !!!!!!!!!

When you sit around playing the waiting game your mind has a tendency to go places you really do not want to go to. You think about life,what you shoulda,coulda done differently. You think about death, how I would miss everyone,what their life would be like without me. I really try not to think about that part. Honestly that part causes me many sleepless nights. I am scared of dying. I am not ready to go now. I love my wife and kids so much that I do not want to miss a thing. I want to be there for my grandchildren,see the Grand Canyon, go to Alaska and so much more.At the end of the day and I beat all this crazy stuff going on with me I will come to the conclusion that my family is the greatest gift that God has ever given me. Life is not material. Life is in your heart, seeing those beautiful eyes everyday of my wife and kids calling me Dad.

This waiting really sucks.Sometimes I feel ready to go get em, like today. Only thing is waiting, as usual waiting for Pain MGMT doctors so I can work in my yard. I know i can only do a little at a time but a little everyday is better than nothing.Ready to say FTW, go back to work so I can take care of my family. I know I would have a hard time breathing but to me it is worth the sacrifice to provide for my family. I used to make good money and rarely had to say no to my girls. Now it seems like I have to say no all the time or wait until I get my SSD settlement,whenever the hell that is.It is one thing to break my own heart with what I have done to my body,  but to have included the ones I love and mean the world to me ,seems pretty selfish on my part. Does that mean I'd rather be alone....HELL NO. It just means I am a very lucky man to have them around to Love me the way I love them....Forever and Always til the end. I just have to be strong and not focus on the whys, the if's and why me. Most people do not have people in their life that I do. I wish I could keep telling my self that when I lay awake late at night feeling all alone, scared to sleep thinking I might not wake up.Hopefully ,the Lord willing he'll keep me around to see all my grandchildren and beyond.

Some treatments of COPD

It's not worth it!  You're lungs are valuable.

Do you know what you're doing to your body? I didn't!

Understanding COPD

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease


COPD; Chronic obstructive airways disease; Chronic obstructive lung disease; Chronic bronchitis; Emphysema; Bronchitis - chronic






Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) is one of the most common lung diseases. It makes it difficult to breathe. There are two main forms of COPD:


Chronic bronchitis, which involves a long-term cough with mucus


Emphysema, which involves destruction of the lungs over time


Most people with COPD have a combination of both conditions.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors


Smoking is the leading cause of COPD. The more a person smokes, the more likely that person will develop COPD. However, some people smoke for years and never get COPD.


In rare cases, nonsmokers who lack a protein called alpha-1 antitrypsin can develop emphysema.


Other risk factors for COPD are:


Exposure to certain gases or fumes in the workplace


Exposure to heavy amounts of secondhand smoke and pollution


Frequent use of cooking fire without proper ventilation

Symptoms


Cough, with or without mucus


Fatigue


Many respiratory infections


Shortness of breath (dyspnea) that gets worse with mild activity


Trouble catching one's breath


Wheezing


Because the symptoms of COPD develop slowly, some people may not know that they are sick.

Signs and tests


The best test for COPD is a lung function test called spirometry. This involves blowing out as hard as possible into a small machine that tests lung capacity. The results can be checked right away, and the test does not involve exercising, drawing blood, or exposure to radiation.


Using a stethoscope to listen to the lungs can also be helpful. However, sometimes the lungs sound normal even when COPD is present.


Pictures of the lungs (such as x-rays and CT scans) can be helpful, but sometimes look normal even when a person has COPD (especially chest x-ray).


Sometimes patients need to have a blood test (called arterial blood gas) to measure the amounts of oxygen and carbon dioxide in the blood.

Treatment


There is no cure for COPD. However, there are many things you can do to relieve symptoms and keep the disease from getting worse.


Persons with COPD MUST stop smoking. This is the best way to slow down the lung damage.


Medications used to treat COPD include:


Inhalers (bronchodilators) to open the airways, such as ipratropium (Atrovent), tiotropium (Spiriva), salmeterol (Serevent), formoterol (Foradil), or albuterol


Inhaled steroids to reduce lung inflammation


Anti-inflammatory medications such as montelukast (Singulair) and roflimulast are sometimes used


In severe cases or during flare-ups, you may need to receive:


Steroids by mouth or through a vein (intravenously)


Bronchodilators through a nebulizer


Oxygen therapy


Assistance during breathing from a machine (through a mask, BiPAP, or endotracheal tube)


Antibiotics are prescribed during symptom flare-ups, because infections can make COPD worse.


You may need oxygen therapy at home if you have a low level of oxygen in your blood.


Pulmonary rehabilitation does not cure the lung disease, but it can teach you to breathe in a different way so you can stay active. Exercise can help maintain muscle strength in the legs.


Walk to build up strength.


Ask the doctor or therapist how far to walk.


Slowly increase how far you walk.


Try not to talk when you walk if you get short of breath.


Use pursed lip breathing when breathing out (to empty your lungs before the next breath)


Things you can do to make it easier for yourself around the home include:


Avoiding very cold air


Making sure no one smokes in your home


Reducing air pollution by getting rid of fireplace smoke and other irritants


Eat a healthy diet with fish, poultry, or lean meat, as well as fruits and vegetables. If it is hard to keep your weight up, talk to a doctor or dietitian about eating foods with more calories.


Surgery may be used, but only a few patients benefit from these surgical treatments:


Surgery to remove parts of the diseased lung can help other areas (not as diseased) work better in some patients with emphysema


Lung transplant for severe cases

Support Groups


People often can help ease the stress of illness by joining a support group in which members share common experiences and problems.


See also: Lung disease - support group

Expectations (prognosis)


COPD is a long-term (chronic) illness. The disease will get worse more quickly if you do not stop smoking.


Patients with severe COPD will be short of breath with most activities and will be admitted to the hospital more often. These patients should talk with their doctor about breathing machines and end-of-life care.

Complications


Irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia)


Need for breathing machine and oxygen therapy


Right-sided heart failure or cor pulmonale (heart swelling and heart failure due to chronic lung disease)


Pneumonia


Pneumothorax


Severe weight loss and malnutrition


Thinning of the bones (osteoporosis)

Calling your health care provider


Go to the emergency room or call the local emergency number (such as 911) if you have a rapid increase in shortness of breath.

Prevention


Not smoking prevents most COPD. Ask your doctor or health care provider about quit-smoking programs. Medicines are also available to help kick the smoking habit. The medicines are most effective if you are motivated to quit.

Well I have a lot of sleepless nights.  I stress and worry over everything.  I still haven't quit smoking.  It's just to hard with everything that's going on.  I know I need to quit.  I've even questioned God as to why he hates me so much.  I don't know what I could possible do to make things right so that this curse (or what seems like one) to be lifted off of me.. I'm not a bad person.  I don't understand why I am going through so much and so many trials.  I help anyone I can.  It's driving me crazy not being able to work.  But, I have trouble with my breathing just walking up the stairs or down them even.  I can't sit in the car or anywhere long because of my back.  I have some depression going on.  I'm tired of taking medication.  But, I know I have to in order to make things easier on me.


Welp on April 6, 2012 I go to the Urologist.  I have no clue as to what they are going to do.  It will be my first meeting with them.

Well I got a denial letter from the Social Security Office.  So, I met with a lawyer on January 19, 2012.  So the lawyer filed all the necessary paper work on my behalf.  Time to get the appeal process going for a hearing. WOW I don't think they realize how serious this is.  Can you believe the Social Security Office lost my appeal papers?  The lawyer had to file them again.  So, now I have to wait even longer for a hearing... UGGH!

Well my back had been hurting me off and on for years.  It went out to the point where I couldn't walk and I just wanted to cry.  On March 2, 2012 my primary doctor ordered another x-ray of my lower lumbar.  The doctor got the results and met with me  on March 8, 2012.  He said he wanted to do an MRI just to make sure that what the x-ray showed was right.  So,  here I go more testing.  I went on March 9, 2012 for my MRI.  My wife had a doctor appointment on March 15, 2012.  The doctor told her that the MRI showed my back was messed up from  my lower lumber from my T-12 through my S-1 is also messed up.  I have approx 4-5 bulging discs that are pinching the nerves in my back.  If that wasn't bad enough the MRI also showed a mass in my right kidney.


So, my primary doctor ordered a multiphasic ct.  Multiphasic is where they run dye through you with an iv and you have to drink barium so they can see everything good.  Well heck.  On March 27, 2012 I met with a Neurosurgeon about my back.   She said my back looks great for my age other than the bulging discs and the pinched nerve.  She wants to try pain management and physical therapy first and use surgery as a last resort.  That's fine with me.  I surely don't want to be cut if we can help it.

Here's crossing fingers and saying prayers.

November 16, 2011 I had another test for my heart called a nuclear stress test.  It's where they give you medicine and then look at your heart the medicine kinda lights up the inside of your body so they can get a better view.  I was also put back on the treadmill.  My heart is great!

On November 17, 2011 I had an appointment with the Social Security Office about my SSI and SSD.   Now we wait and see what they say.  On November 21, 2011 I meet with my primary doctor so he can go over all my results.  I breathe a sigh of relief because it could be worse than what it is.  My heart is terrific my lungs not so much.. But, at least I can slow down the effects.  I can't reverse the damage to my lungs it's permanent.

I filed for Unemployment since I had worked so much in my life.  Of course they denied me because I didn't let the employer know ahead of time that my doctor was sending me to the hospital with me showing signs of a heart attack.  Sorry, I couldn't plan health problems around them!  On December 15, 2011 I have a appointment for a spirometer test that morning.  A spirometer is a  machine that you take a deep breath then blow into this tube.  It measures the amount of air you are actually releasing from your lungs.


My wife decided to set up eye appointments for our family just to make sure that our eyes were all fine and for the fact I had been complaining with mine bothering me.  So, on December 16, 2011 I go to the eye doctor and find out I need bifocals.  Ok so, apparently my eyes aren't that good either.... HMMM!   What's next???

The Beginning

        On October 24, 2011 I went to the doctor for what I thought was only a cold.  The doctor's office did an ekg on me and it showed I was having a heart attack.  I was given a nitroglycerin pill and an adult aspirin in the doctor's office while we waited for the ambulance to take me to the hospital.  I was terrified my wife was trying her best not to break down and cry and be strong for me.  On the way to the hospital the paramedics said I wasn't having a heart attack but gave me another nitroglycerin pill.  Once at the hospital I had a series of blood work done, along with more ekgs, an x-ray and a chest CT.  The doctor's didn't really like to keep me informed as to what was going on.  Which anyone would be frustrated being scared and not knowing the next step.  I laid in the hospital bed for over ten hours with nothing to drink or no iv fluids.  The ER doctor told me everything my blood, x-ray, ct scan, ekg all looked great.  

         Later we would find out different.  My wife called our primary care physician and asked for the results of the hospital tests.  That's when we found out about the Emphysema.  My wife immediately called and set up an appointment with a pulmonary doctor.  While my primary care doctor's office was scheduling a series of tests to make sure my heart was indeed fine.

         On October 27, 2011  I filed for disability. I have worked over 35 years of my life and not working is one of the hardest things that I thought I had to face.  On November 7, 2011 I had a treadmill stress test for my heart.  That test seemed fine.   So, on November 10, 2011 I had cardiac echo to make sure I didn't have a hole or something else going on with my heart.  I also met with my pulmonary physician on November 10, 2011 for the first time.

That was a day I will never forget.  My pulmonary Dr told me that according to my chest ct  I have Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (C.O.P.D). What C.O.P.D is the combination of chronic bronchitis and emphysema combined.  I also have asthma.  I also have a spot on my right lung.  I looked at my wife and she looked at me. With no words said we both could see the fear in each others eyes.

I have been smoking for over 30 years.  I'm bound and determined to quit but it's extremely hard after all these years.