I feel bad I haven't blogged in a while... But, when I go through my scaredness and depression I make bad decisions. I haven't yet quit smoking.  I know I have to man up and do it.  But, my bad things I think about I want people to know that I truly do care about myself.  At times it may not seem like I don't but I do.  I care about my kids.  I want to be a winner.  I want to shed my problems.  It seems like lately financially it's one step forward and three steps back.  I had to ask an agency to help with the rent, that went well.. We were blessed by this agency.  Then my car the power steering pump went and now it's going to cost us from $300-$600 for labor and parts to fix.  Which we don't have the money to fix it and I have to travel for doctor appointments and one of those appointments if for a biopsy of my kidney.  This makes me depressed, upset and some days I don't even want to get out of bed.  Deep down inside I know everything will be ok.  But, I have a hard time believing it when it seems like it's one bad thing after another that happens.  I know I've done a lot of bad things in my life.  But, how long must I pay for it?  I need to get this biopsy done A.S.A.P!  The longer I have to wait obviously the worst my kidney gets.  At this point I'm at a loss and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  Hopefully tomorrow Jesus will perform yet another miracle for us.  Because before I believed it he has helped.  I don't have the resources to travel up to 2 hours away from home just for doctor appointments.  My wife and kids have been stressed.  So I'm hoping sometime this week to get some money or something to get my car fixed for my appointments and for the co pays on my medications.  I am also hoping and praying that I get my appeal date very soon for social security.  It seems like no one is there when you need them.